Last year, after a few unlucky for Ferrari GPs Fernando Alonso called racing in F1 wacky. Wacky you say, huh? The association could (or rather had to) be only one: the unforgettable cartoon Wacky Races!
Who doesn’t remember Dick Dastardly desperately trying to win a race at all costs? One of the greatest villains of my childhood never managed to get to the finish line first, though he was punching below the belt and taking pains to be faster than the rest just once in his life. And what a colourful rest it was! A bunch of individuals – one creepier and slier than the other. Dick Dastardly may have been the biggest villain of the cartoon, but let’s be honest – none of the racers were saint and each of them had some mischievous dealings of their own targeted at beating the rest.
A Freudian psychologist would probably say that my early childhood experiences with Dick (!) influenced the way I perceive F1 as an adult (yeah… he would definitely add some sexual background as well and father figure), so no wonder I notice traces of Wacky Races behind every corner of modern F1. And that’s where the idea of F1 Wacky Races Style came from. The rules are simple: if F1 was indeed wacky as Fernando says – who would play which part? Here are my suggestions:
Caution: this text is not going to be unbiased. It doesn’t mean that I decided to have a go at this or another driver or team, nothing of that sort! As the cartoon Wacky Races was totally crazy, I decided to do it just the same and base the text on most stereotypical and biased comments one can find circulating in the Internet.
So… ready, steady and… WE ARE RACING!
Dick Dastardly and Muttley in the Mean Machine are… Fernando Alonso and Felipe Massa
Despite it all, he is still the centre of attention and everybody looks at him. Just like children want to know what Dick Dastardly is up to now, even if they say they want him to lose again. As Martin Brundle once said: we know, love and despise [him] all at the same time.Felipe takes the part of Muttley – an unintentional partner in crime. They might be a tandem, but no matter how many mean orders Muttley follows, in the end of the day, it is Dick Dastardly (aka Fernando Alonso) who is perceived to be the responsible one. Muttley can only giggle the way he likes it best ;-).
The Slag Brothers in the Bouldermobile are… Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber
Slag Brothers used to hit their car (or even better) themselves in order to go faster. You could feel brotherly love in the air! So is the case of Red Bull with Sebastian and Mark pushing each other to the limits, sometimes off the track and the wonderful family-like atmosphere in the camp (as Mark Webber described it: perhaps the best in the paddock).
When it comes to speech – Slag Brothers used a totally incomprehensible language only they could get. With whole due respect – Mark’s Aussie accent doesn’t make it easier for foreigners and Sebastian Vettel doesn’t stay far behind, creating words only he can understand.
The Gruesome Twosome in the Creepy Coupe are… HRT and Virgin
Twosome was awesome. You could never know what would jump out of the little tower they had on their car. So is the case of last year’s newbies: HRT and Virgin. They are doing their best just like all other competitors in our race and you have to respect them for their efforts, but at the same time, you can never tell which part and when stops working or simply falls out of the car, just like the bats used to fly out from the Creepy Coupe.
Professor Pat Pending in the Convert-a-Car is… Adrian Newey
Does it really need any justification? Professor Pat could make a stone fly (which is actually quite a good comparison if we keep in mind that Newey's drivers are Slag Brothers in their stony car). He didn’t win every time, because nobody can do that, but he was still the greatest brain and the biggest magician of the cartoon. Just like Adrian Newey who everybody would love to hire and who, as Stefano Domenicali said it, makes a difference and gives Red Bull (flexi) wings.
Red Max in the Crimson Haybailer is… Michael Schumacher
Flying Red Max took his name from the Red Baron. And who is the F1 Red Baron? He might be silver now, but deep in the hearts and minds of the fans (and maybe even his own) he’ll always be red. Not fighting fair and square, pushing his opponents into the grass, crashing into them and parking his car in the middle of the track to stop the most dangerous enemy. And despite it all he still flies above the rest with records difficult to beat.
Penelope Pitstop in the Compact Pussycat is… Nico Rosberg
Yes, he cut his hair. Yes, he grew a beard. Yes, he changed his image. But he still is the prettiest (prettiest and not most handsome!) of them all. I’m sorry Nico, but it will take more than a few months to get rid of the Britney label. I've almost forgotten – he even got one vote in a poll amongst drivers for the most beautiful woman in F1.
Sergeant Blast and Private Meekley in the Army Surplus Special are… Nick Heidfeld and Vitaly Petrov
The extra-military unit: Pirate Nick and Vyborg Rocket that is Vitaly Petrov. Nick may take the role of the Sergant being the more experienced one. Petrov is learning fast, but it’s still Nick who is less meek – waving hands when his team mate crashes into him and… crashing into his teammate if he stands in the way. The military Vyborg Rocket still needs some instruction on how to take corners from time to time and will sometimes give the position back if he thinks that he has taken it unlawfully, but he’s stronger and stronger with every race. Sergeant’s and Private’s tank was aided by a cannon giving them extra boost. Petrov’s indestructible The Ant Hill Mob in the Bulletproof Bomb is… Bernie Ecclestone and whole F1
The gangster-like little man followed by a group of subordinates doing their best for his benefit. One would never tell how much power this inconspicuous man has!
Luke and Blubber Bear in the Arkansas Chuggabug are… Adrian Sutil and Jarno Trulli
Adrian cruises around the circuit carelessly crashing here and there, just like Luke. And whenever he opens his eyes wider, he will see Jarno Trulli biting his teeth – but not with fear (like Blubber Bear used to do it) but with anger. Yes, these boys have some common adventures. Spain, Brazil, Abu Dhabi… it was Sutil’s, Trulli’s fault. Oh dear...
Peter Perfect in the Turbo Terrific is… Jenson Button
Mr. Perfection. Perfect gentleman on and outside of the track. Carrying bags for the ladies, driving the car in a famous silky smooth style. Dashing young gentleman with impeccable hair, clothes and even more perfect girlfriend. She’s his only flaw – just ask the female fans.
Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth in the Buzzwagon are… Lewis Hamilton
No comments:
Post a Comment